One of These Things Is Just Like the Other: How to Stand in the Ocean

If you are in big wave action, take care not to be knocked over by waves. The waves are much larger than you, but you can withstand them.

Your feet must be at least shoulder width apart, and perpendicular to the line of travel. If you are facing head-on, one foot must be ahead of the other. But it is best to stand sideways, with your feet squarely under your shoulders and your head turned into the line of motion. Then you do not even have to hold onto anything, but can simply rock on the waves of motion.

It is also important to give yourself over to the ocean, to accept what it has to offer on its own terms. There are ebbs and flows. It slaps you and sends you staggering, it slaps you with joyous comraderie. Never turn your back.

There are fat people in tiny swimsuits, and they are beautiful. There are children squatting, and you know they are peeing. There are teen girls preening and teen boys preening back. There are thieves who will steal your wallet out of the pocket of your shorts where you left them on the beach unnoticed. The wind snatches up plastic cups and water wings and anything else that is not weighted down.

A flimsy, hot pink blow-up life ring rolls down the beach like the Gingerbread Man, on and on and on, impossibly far.

There are people all around; do not try to make friends.

The broken shells you crunch underfoot once housed life. Every grain of sand is a chip off its old block.

One of these things is just like the other: Stand in the ocean exactly as you would on the subway.