Tango Hiatus, Belated Part 1: If Half Truths are Untruths, All This--Since the Festival--Has Been a Lie

The tango hiatus wasn't about stomach or mind games. It was about a penis.

If that word makes you jump, imagine how I felt when a partner led me through a step that made my thigh brush against him. Again and again and again. It went something like this:

Nasty-Pass 1: It's an accident. These things happen in tango. Ignore it.

NP 2: It can be hard in the first dance of a tonda to gauge exactly where to place legs and hips. These things happen in tango. That's what they say on the listserv. Be cool.

3: This guy is more of a beginner than I thought, based on our previous dances. He only knows a few steps, and he's not very good about correcting his placement on this particular one. Patience is a virtue. Don’t overreact.

Inner Coach: Many men dance tummy-to-tummy. Just because you find it disgusting doesn't mean that it is. Followers should learn to dance in every style. Remember that guy who told about a woman who resisted a milonguero's very close embrace? Remember how he acted out her part, flailing helplessly until she finally submitted? Remember how everyone laughed? Don't be that woman; don't be the laughingstock here.

4: It's me. I need to adjust. Clearly he's done all that he can.

5: Let me try that again. This guy is actually a better dancer than me. He's challenging me to get it right.

6. Maybe it's my posture. Nina says if anything touches below the solar plexus, you get what you ask for. Maybe I am asking for trouble, maybe I had bad posture in a previous dance with this guy, and he’s just now worked up the courage to answer the invitation. How do I convey that he misunderstood, that sometimes I just have bad posture, that I didn’t mean to mislead him, that I am sorry? Right this minute, my posture is as good as I can make it. Trust me, it is!

Inner Coach: Don’t overreact. Remember the first community dance at the Turn? Remember Deb Sclar, bending close to share her thumb-in-the-armpit trick? Remember in lifesaving, how you reached right in, grabbed the armpit and twisted? Remember how much that hurt—and how well it worked? Don’t be afraid to be violent. Remember growing up in Detroit. Get a grip.

7: Lucky number! Thanks, Deb!

8: Hey! What is this? With my thumb in his armpit, I do not believe he should move his embracing arm down to my waist and cinch it up like an iron band. Now when I push off from the armpit, all it does is leverage my hips closer to his. I am not much of an armful, lots of guys snug up like this. Don’t jump to conclusions. Don’t overreact. But it would be nice to be able to breathe.

9: I can always dance like a duck. It ain't pretty, but it works. ... More like a duck. ... More.

Inner Coach, sharply: You are going to throw your back out!

10: How can I interrupt this pattern? Pretend to miss the step. Hesitate. Step away. Whatever I do, he adjusts. Does he think I am lagging? Doing adornments? Why can I not make myself clear?

11: Was there ever a guy more clueless?

11.5: Are we done yet?

12: Dammit! Stop that!

Inner Coach: You made it! This is tango, these things happen. Everyone says so. You'll live. Go home. Shower. Have some brownies.

I do not believe I am required to say thank you. Goodbye and good riddance.

That goes for tango, too.

The End

.


[That is the story of the tango hiatus. At least, that's how the story started.].