One Heart Responds to Her Critic(s)

Let's back up a moment, to September 4, In Which One Heart Cooks Dinner.

Two-of-Six writes to say "that's disgusting!"

A writer never responds to the critics. Of course not. Cast not your pearls before swine and all that. No. You think kind thoughts about them, hoping this will create a harmonic convergence in their brain that will either cause them to love you or give them tinnitus.

Nevertheless. Sometimes a critic voices an opinion with such tone and wit that, despite its vacuity and wrongheadedness may become generally accepted.

So. I would like to disclose to you the sordid truth of this person whose opinon with which you may be agreeing. I know this sort of mudslinging is mostly ineffective. Look at Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich, Bill Clinton: Despite their fallabilities, people still hang on their words.

Nevertheless, a writer's gotta do what a writer's gotta do and at this moment I gotta set you straight on who is the Real Cook here.

Four-of-Six (that would be me) is the author of a cookbook. Not one of those community/church compilations with the weird plastic binding. A beautiful, full-color, illustrated children's gardening cookbook. It earned high reviews in national newspapers and more awards than I ever kept track of, from writers groups and booksellers and parenting groups.

In contrast...

Two-of-Six dusts her kitchen. Yep. Sweeps the cobwebs and dust bunnies off the stove top, out of the oven.

Years ago, she hosted Thanksgiving. She got stuck making the turkey. She tried to fish out the gizzard and neck with a spoon so she wouldn't have to touch anything. She gagged the whole time.

My mother can't laugh. A favorite childhood story involves my mother and her mother in the kitchen one night before Thanksgiving, wrestling the damn turkey, swearing like sailors.

But back to my critic. How much does she not cook? When her children were in day care, they came home one day to share amazing news:

Mom! they said. We had meat on a stick! And a drink on our potatoes!

(Chicken leg and potatoes with gravy.)

Of course, there is a difference between refusing to cook and lacking ability. Two-of-Six can cook. One of the favorites she made for her children has become a family staple. She has to make it for every single family function, and she is darn sick of it. Still, it's better than cooking the turkey.

It is Fluff. It is mostly synthetic. You can make it without actually touching any real food. Jello and frozen strawberries and maybe marshmallow creme or Cool Whip or something.

Disgusting, Two-of-Six. Disgusting!

And yummy.