Balance 2

Once I stood on one foot through the whole of The Low Spark of High-Heeled Boys. The song is 11 minutes long.

This was before Jaimes Friedgen taught me that standing on one foot is hard. Rather, before Jaimes Friedgen taught me that standing on one foot is not the same thing as finding stability, achieving balance.

* * *

We often objectify balance by using it as a noun. We say that we try to ‘attain’ balance in our lives—but balance is not a static place that you can actually reach. Like an active verb, balance constantly rebalances itself each moment in a moving equilibrium of relationships. (Yoga Journal)

* * *

Last Saturday, under Jaimes Friedgen’s direction…

We Jump!-ed, we balanced, more or less. We got scolded for putting a foot down prematurely. That was the warm-up. Great fun!

Now we move on, Apilado.

I have no idea what this is. But I am not worried. The class is billed as moving in and out of close embrace. Two weeks ago, I took a class on this very same topic. I had a great lead; he and I moved in and out like nobody’s business. I am sooo ready for this!

Do this, Jaimes Friedgen says.

Shit no. No. No. No.

You have got to be kidding. Never. No. I am not doing this.

There are many moves in tango that I don’t like to do. Gancho. Boleo. Volcado. I like to watch them, I think they’re pretty. Someday I will enjoy doing them. After I achieve balance, perhaps.

Apilado is different. It is the one position in tango that I abhor. The woman thrusts her breasts into the chest of the man as if she had just escaped from a deserted isle where she had been sequestered for all of her reproductive years save this day, this one, her last desperate chance. It is an appropriate move for springtime. If we were doing it in the wild, the animals of the forest would applaud.

It’s a shared axis position. The man is supposed to be leaning into her, too, so that neither could stand alone, but together they find balance. But when I look in the mirror, I see only the women in this exaggerated pose.

What woman in her right mind lets a man shove her around the floor by her breasts?

Eeew!

Partner up! Jaimes Friedgen says.

* * *

“Full inhalations and exhalations create a supple and centered body, while shortened or suspended breathing creates rigidity and disconnection…. (Yoga Journal)

* * *

I am built like a boy, so the whole breast thing is not really an issue. I have much better issues than that, anyway: Control. Trust. An existential hatred (hatred, yikes! yes) for domineering behavior. Not domination as in the Hallliburton-World Bank-OWG conspiracy theory. More personal than that, like Nurse Ratched. I will always be McMurphy. I will never outgrow the refrain: You are not the boss of me!

I abhor apilado. It is vulgar and demeaning. And don’t even say the word Gavito to me.

This is only my opinion, of course. I believe that, whenever you have a strong opinion, you should examine it closely.

Why?

It is fun to mess with your own head,

and…

“We have conclusions, which are the products of senility or incompetence or credulity, and then argue from them to premises. We forget this process, and then argue from the premises, thinking we began there.” (Charles Hoy Fort)

An opinion is a conclusion. It’s a thought and a feeling combined. You can’t do anything about your feelings, but you can examine your thoughts.

You can refuse to be dead-ended by your conclusions; you can say to your own strong opinions: You are not the boss of me!

* * *

As Jaimes Friedgen explains what we are to do next, I buck up. I am an adventurer of the moment! And this is some moment!

I can do this, no problem. It’s just a matter of lowering the veil, the steel partition. This is standard procedure for women under mortal duress. It would help, though, if I could breathe.

I rotate through a few partners until I come to Roberto, who is embarking on his own teaching career.

I do my Audrey Hepburn apilado.

Lean more, he says. More.

Fine! I give it everything I’ve got. If he were a Mack truck with brakes full on, he could not withstand me.

More, he says.

I sneak a look in the mirror. He is not meeting me anywhere near halfway. I hold my position, miffed. Why should I do all of the leaning?

Would you fall over if I stepped away? Roberto asks a touch impatiently.

I like Roberto. He helps me dance better, and as long as I’ve known him, he’s always been kind.

So I don’t retort, Are you insane?! I give him a look that retorts it for me.

Also I do not say, Why should I trust you now?

* * *

Don’t worry about being able to maintain perfect balance right away. Instead, use these poses as opportunities to explore how balance works, and watch the subtle ways that your body moves to find balance. (Yoga Journal)

* * *

A friend and I talk about the nature of certainty.

There isn’t any, he says. That’s hard.

No. Uncertainty is easy; you can rely on it. The lullaby doesn’t say “If the bough breaks…” but “When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall.” Uncertainty is easy. You stand poised at the ready, and when it strikes, you ride it out.

It’s certainty that’s hard. It’s hard to go along blithely whistling, ever poised but never quite ready for the bough to break.

So the long answer is no, Roberto, if you stepped away I would not fall down. No way! I am not about to put myself in a position in which I would go tumbling if—when—that upon which I rely were to suddenly vanish.

Whoa, One Heart! It’s only a dance.

Change partners! Jaimes Friedgen says.

* * *

All balancing postures provide an opportunity to learn and experience the dynamic nature of balance. …

No matter how still or statuelike you become, you will notice that you must continually listen, feel and react responsively to each moment, or you’ll fall. (Yoga Journal)

* * *

I am not about to let my own strong opinion be the boss of me! I am going to do this horrid thing, and do it well.

But now Jaimes Friedgen is raising the stakes. We are going to do this without using our arms, with the basic eight exit, or something like that.

The first step for the man is a back step. There is no telling how large or how small his step will be. To keep from breaking her nose against that beautiful bamboo floor, the follower must Velcro her breasts to the lead. This requires some serious thrusting effort.

IamanadventurerofthemomentIamanadventurerofthemomentIamanadventurerofthemoment!

Stand like this, Jaimes Friedgen says. He thrusts his chest out, throws back his shoulders to pinch his shoulder blades together, rotates his dangling arms so the tender flesh of the inner elbow points forward.

This is how girls stand, he explains. He looks a ship's figurehead, like that girl in the movie Titanic.

Good grief.

At moments like this, how can you not believe in God? Clearly, there is Something out there that just can’t leave well enough alone. And we are made in its image.

* * *

Those who are motivated only by desire for the fruits of action are miserable, for they are constantly anxious about the results of what they do….

Therefore, devote yourself to the disciplines of yoga, for yoga is skill in action. (Bhagavad Gita, 2:50)

* * *

I’m OK, they’re OK.

After two hours I’ve had a few go’s through the rotation and am willing to give these leads a break. They are not really Nurse Ratcheds or Leisure Suit Larrys. They are just guys trying very hard to steer without using their arms or stepping on toes or letting anyone fall on her face.

I’ve been close to tears twice, but nothing full on, nothing I couldn’t work through, though I feel sorry for David, who saw them.

I despise this position as much as I did when I started. More so, because once you’ve done a move, it is inside your body and even if you haven’t done it well, it’s part of your muscle’s memories.

Eeew.

So why do it?

* * *

Balancing involves correcting errors and then, in turn, correcting any overcorrection of those errors. …

To an external observer, you may appear to be still, or “in balance,” but from the inside, you will be able to feel the continual adjustments within this stability. You will feel the constant interplay of movement within stillness, and stillness within movement. (Yoga Journal)

* * *

My deep-thinking friend says:

"Thoughts arise in our minds as a result of our existence in the world. Which thoughts one thinks is a influenced by not only our interaction with the world, but also our upbringing, education, training, habit or all of the above.

Emotions arise from thought. Emotions can cause people to act, and thus have consequences, but I would say the real culprit here is thought and not emotion."

Which comes first, thought or emotion?

I have always felt my emotions come first, shaping my thoughts as they rise. In this class, I was surprised to hear thoughts roaring through my head like a freight train, with emotions rushing in its turbulent wake.

I know my ego is not queen of the show. I know this knee-jerk, judgmental reaction I have to apilado comes out of my thoughts, my upbringing, education, training, experience, habit or all of the above. I know it was not my axis that was seriously off-kilter in this class, it was my internal balance.

Many people stand on two feet solidly planted in the illusion of certainty.

Some people can balance on the tip of one toe for what seems an eternity.

We wobble like the earth on its axis, like the dancers we are.

* * *

Balancing is a journey, not a destination. You will not find it by following systematized or formulated modes of living and being; you will discover it by developing a sensitive awareness that responds and adjusts to the ever-shifting moment.

In other words, instead of seeking to attain balance, you will fare better by learning the art of balancing. (Yoga Journal)


(Yoga Journal, March 2008)